My loved one has a terminal illness. What do I do next?

Ask for palliative care

If it hasn’t already been offered, ask your GP for a referral to your local palliative care team. Their job is to make sure your loved one remains comfortable and has the best quality of life possible. They are also there to support you as a family and answer any of your questions.

Cautiously consider additional treatment

‍If life-prolonging treatment is available, it is important to carefully weigh the options and their impact on your loved one. Consult your doctor and palliative care team to better understand any side effects, affected energy levels, cost, and potential benefits of the treatment. It’s a balancing act.

Inform people & get support

Inform those who need to be in the know; family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, employers. Let them know what you will need, ask for support and be direct. Seek out support for yourself, too, by getting therapy, discussing with friends or finding a support group.

Talk about your loved one’s wishes

Address this head-on and don’t shy away from tough and direct conversations with your loved one. Discuss Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) and end-of-life preferences. What are their priorities for the time they have left? Where do they want to be and who do they want close by? Most importantly, document their wishes in an Advance Care Plan (ACP, also called advance directive) which a palliative care team can help you with.

Make practical (and legal) arrangements

Help get their affairs in order and access legal advice (a solicitor or other lawyer). Make sure your loved one has an up-to-date will and an assigned power of attorney. Ask if they want to be involved in funeral preparations, or if they’d like to give away any of their belongings as gifts while they’re still here.

Create keepsakes and memories

Spend time together, build new memories, and create keepsakes. Go through old photo albums together and take note of their memories of each photo. Get your hands on their favorite recipes and cook them together. Throw a Christmas party in July. Whatever works for you.

Capture precious conversations

Record their voice and capture your conversations. Use your phone and press record. Ask questions you’ve never asked before. Ask about their childhood, their first love, a secret they never told anyone.

Look out for yourself and take it day-by-day

It’s crisis mode, and your loved one takes priority. But don’t forget to look out for yourself. Don’t neglect your own needs. Your loved one is dependent on you and if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t be there for them.

Don’t save things for later

The good months, weeks and days aren’t guaranteed. Spend as much time as possible together. Make sure conversations are had, important moments are cherished, memorable days are celebrated, visits are prioritized, reconciliations are made, “I love you’s” are said, hugs are handed out, and goodbyes are exchanged.